Is the shtick wearing thin? Has America finally tired of “Jersey Shore”? The signs are there: book deals, arrests, lawsuits, Angelina’s song. As we prep for Season 3, America must ask: Has the shark been jumped?
Nahhhh. After an hour in which booze is consumed, genitals flashed and fisticuffs thrown, the consensus is clear: God help us, TV needs these people. Here’s the rundown of the Season 3 kickoff.
We meet Deena, Snooki’s girlfriend from Poughkeepsie and Angelina’s replacement on the show. Deena is much like Snooki in that she has the approximate height of an Oompa-Loompa, the drinking proclivities of an Irish longshoreman and the tolerance of those kids on “Skins.” By episode’s end, Deena – much like Snooki in Season 1 – has shown her ho”coo-ca” for all of America to see, in an accidental striptease for The Situation that he vows to keep a secret. So, of course, he tells everyone.
Sammi has it in her head that everyone in the house is out to get her. Really, it seems like they’d just as soon ignore her entirely, but where’s the drama in that? Sammi isn’t in the house five minutes before she tries to execute a one-woman power play that consists mainly of shooting dirty looks at every girl in the house, but by the end, she’s literally whimpering “you don’t know what I’m going through” in her bedroom while everyone else gets drunk on the roof like MTV is paying them to do. Outside of cartoon villains and pro-wrestling heels, is there a less sympathetic character on TV right now?
J-Woww and her boyfriend are hitting a rough patch. Anyone vaguely familiar with tabloid fodder knows this ends badly, but watching it unfold is kind of like seeing a train wreck in slow motion.
Vinny apparently slept with Snooki’s friend Ryder during the off-season, which greatly (and justifiably) offends Snooks. Vinny didn’t realize smushing a girl who liked him was a binding contract that prevented him from sleeping with her friends, which has to rank among the five dumbest things ever said to a woman on camera. Snooki rebounds fast, though, and tries to mack on Vinny in the hot tub. He turns her down, as he’s not interested in fooling around if it’s going to lead to hurt feelings. A “Jersey Shore” argument where both participants have sound points may be the most surprising moment of all.
The Italian flag mural of New Jersey has been whitewashed off the garage door of the shore house. Guidos across the state must be fist-pumping in protest.
Apparently, the plural for luggage is “luggages.” Oof.
Ronnie has abandoned his motorboating ways and is trying to be a good boyfriend. Translation: dude is whipped.
Deena earns her stripes quickly amongst the housemates by calling Sammi a c–t (The Situation: “That was very audacious for a rookie.” Vinny: “What’s that mean?”) and instigating a fight that somehow ends with J-Woww somehow jumping into the fray and throwing punches at Sammi. By the way: best part of the fight? When both girls are waiting for the other to hit first, so they awkwardly throw simultaneous blocks at punches that never get thrown and end up slapping each other like a sissy fight in a Mel Brooks movie. It’s like the drunken ending of “Rocky II” if Stallone had implants and Apollo Creed had hair extensions and hoop earrings.