Too bad the holidays are over, or else Snooki’s new book A Shore Thing would find its way into my family and friends’ stockings, even if I had to crawl through their cat door in the middle of the night to put it there. Snooki announced last year that she was writing her first novel, and by “writing” we mean, “filing her nails while some assistant typed it out in 45 minutes flat.” According to publisher Simon & Schuster, Shore features cousins Gia and Bella enjoying “hot guidos, pool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila,” as well as a barely fictionalized trip to the Seaside Heights drunk tank. Here for your reading pleasure are some choice quotes plucked by the New York Post from Snicker’s authorial debut, due out tomorrow:
* “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”
* “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”
* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”
* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”
* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”
A loud one. And stinky. We couldn’t have summed it up better ourselves, Snickers!